THE Church

After reading a blog about how Pope Benedict has revealed that the church will become small, it is of no surprise to me. I say this because it is easier, on the surface, the stry from the church because of the "harsh requirements". It is easier to focus on the "unattainable" moral code that The Faith suggests. However, in looking at my own life, one thing rings true. In moments of weakness I have so much distain for my negative behavior, that I try to ignore it all together and project my responsibility on others.


When I got pregnant with my second baby, six months, mind you, after my first son, Rocky was born, I immedicately said that something needed to be done. I could not be catholic anymore if it meant that I had to have a kid every year. I was going to get myself "taken care of" or my husband would.


The first thing I did was talk to my colleagues at school (who I knew would tell me what I wanted to hear). They, out of love for me and worry about my pain), told me that "God would understand". Now do not get this twisted, I love my colleagues with my whole self. I work with the best teachers in the world, but I know what I believe and I purposely asked someone who opposed what I believe to make MYSELF feel better.


I then talked to my sister. Her reaction was opposite. In fact, her reaction was to call me selfish and hang up on me (later we would laugh about this and how it didn't have anything to do with our relationship, but what we were each dealing with at that time). This made me even more mad at my "Strict, Mean, Old, Angry Church".


I knew in my heart that I needed to be guided by someone who was well-versed in the faith. Now, my faith was weak, but through that weakness, God was able to worm his way in how he thankfully has done everytime my doubt gets the best of me. I met with our parish priest at the time, Fr. Mark of Christ the Kind Cathedral. I went without Matthew, my husband, because he works third shift and needed to get some sleep. I went in hopes that Fr. Mark would give me the answer I wanted to hear (which is the case with most in spiritual disarray). He, instead, gave me the answer I needed to hear. "The church is very straight forward about life issues and always has been". He gave me another priest to meet with if I had further questions and also gave me "Humanae Vitae" to read. His advice was to start a stronger devotion to Mary, the mother of God. To pray that through the Blessed Mother, I would recieve strength to follow the truth, which is not always the easiest path.


I met with the next priest with my husband. I went in with a hardened heart. Angry and almost faithless in my Church, who had "wronged me" by not making it okay to do something wrong, I walked in. We talked and the flood gates opened. I was crying uncontrollably and later, I would realize that this was because I already knew my answer. I left with the heavy realization that I knew what had to be done.... I had to trust in the everpresent and omniscent God that I loved so dearly and just didn't want to disappoint.


My devotion to the Blessed Mother continued as I prayed the rosary to and from work everyday, as Fr. Mark suggested. Through her intercession, my heart was softened, and I started to have some extra faith in God. Through God's mother, I was brought back to the Lord I so love. During this time, before the birth of my son, my mindset did a 180. I was able to realize that God's plan is better than my own. That I should work with God's gift of my fertility to faithfully and prayerfully TRY my BEST to follow him through HIS will. I finally realized that if I truly believe he is all knowing, all loving and all deserving of my love, he also knows best for me. It was finally about HIM.


The point I am trying to make is that I was a "strict" catholic and I struggled deeply with The Faith. In reality, I struggled with my own conscience and relationship with God. It wasn't easy to follow his path for me in regards to sexuality and reproduction, but I tried. I am still trying. It is a constant struggle to work with God and to lovingly follow his guiding light for me. I will always struggle, but it is the fires of that struggle on Earth, that I come out purified and renewed with MY GOD in HEAVEN. My Lord and My God, I love thee!


God with God, Ya'll! hahaha!

Trying to Find the Good

I pack of both kiddos after a quick small dinner and head to City County Park. Making some children's day is on my mind. I drive over anticipating the smiles I will see on their faces. After unpacking our double stroller, and placing both boys in, I get started on my trek to the soccer fields. Some of my students asked me to come see them play their games.

Two under is interesting to say the least. It is busy and hectic.... and completely worth it. They both keep their smiles on until the very end of the game when Rocky starts heading to the swings, completely determined to "sweenin'". He loves the swings and playing with others kids.

On our way, Rocky passes a family and starts to talk to their son. It looks like he may want to go home with them. They are kind and we laugh, as passing parents usually do. We get to the swings and start with Rocky and Kolbe's favorite activity (I swear they could swing for hours). Then I see a woman with a two year old who is telling her friends that she has taught her son to fight and he can "scrap" with kids who are older than him. This all happened because of another boy chasing him (by the way, they were totally playing around).

I guess I am just astounded at the lack of good parenting there is sometimes. Look, I am not saying I am a saint... but, seriously? I try my hardest to always show my kids what you should do and how Jesus would act (as cheesy as that sounds). When did we lose the manners and respect that the previous generation had. When did we stop holding doors for the elderly, smiling at people who look at you instead of wanting to "scrap" with them? When did we all become so self indulgent that we think we are the only ones that matter and therefore, everyone else can go pound sand?

I just wish that, as a teacher, we could break this awful cycle of raising hellions and then wondering why they are so bad.